Today is the end of my 90 day contract with MM.
It went by quickly. The looming of the new contract is having a toll on me. Why? Many reasons, financially, mentally, physically, emotionally. There is always the fear of failure.
I need "V" here. But do I really? I know I needed a big hug this morning. I needed someone to say to me "Sweetheart, don't forget to take a couple of Aleve's on your way to work". There are so many things that I think I need or want. But really do I need them or have to have them?
I think I talked to MM more today than I have outside of our workout time in the last 90 days. Sad. Very sad. I told MM I need more from him. He says he's there for me. I hope so, cuz I'm gonna need it.
I just want to cry right now. Why? Not really sure. But I have been on the urge of tears all day. Maybe it is realizing that I am saying goodbye to the ole Chan and hello to the MORE New and Improved Chan. I don't know. All I know is I just want to cry and I need "V" to hold me. Maybe I realized today that the start of this new contract and what it entails will be saying goodbye not only to the ole me but to "V". I don't know. Maybe it's the fear of failure. Letting MM down, Who knows?
MM is asking a lot of me. But really - its what I should be doing anyways...so what makes it different? I think it's the fact of it being on paper. Being accountable for it - 100% of the time. And just doing it.
I've chosen two new people to be accountable to in addition to MM, one is smooth, and the other becks. I haven't heard back from becks...but I am sure she's in. I know she can help, being the first trainer I ever had...if she got me started, she can keep me going. And smooth, he's been sooo supportive and encouraging - and I need that.
I know this is what I need to get over the hump. It's almost been 6 months since I have started this...I've come a LONG way - but have so much further to go.
I am going to do my picture a day for the length of my new contract again...I think it will help to really record what's happening. I think I will have more emotion on this one. And many more struggles. The end result...will be ROCKIN!
MM's excited, I'm nervous. BUT I trust him...can I trust myself?
Smooth just came over and talked to me....I feel a bit better. And he's right...I have to let go of the "SAFE" Me.
So here's to that.
Here's to taking the NEXT STEP!
And here's to what I want the most to do