Wednesday, January 31, 2007

An end of sorts...and the start of another 90 day tour

Today is the end of my 90 day contract with MM.

WOW.

It went by quickly. The looming of the new contract is having a toll on me. Why? Many reasons, financially, mentally, physically, emotionally. There is always the fear of failure.

I need "V" here. But do I really? I know I needed a big hug this morning. I needed someone to say to me "Sweetheart, don't forget to take a couple of Aleve's on your way to work". There are so many things that I think I need or want. But really do I need them or have to have them?

I think I talked to MM more today than I have outside of our workout time in the last 90 days. Sad. Very sad. I told MM I need more from him. He says he's there for me. I hope so, cuz I'm gonna need it.

I just want to cry right now. Why? Not really sure. But I have been on the urge of tears all day. Maybe it is realizing that I am saying goodbye to the ole Chan and hello to the MORE New and Improved Chan. I don't know. All I know is I just want to cry and I need "V" to hold me. Maybe I realized today that the start of this new contract and what it entails will be saying goodbye not only to the ole me but to "V". I don't know. Maybe it's the fear of failure. Letting MM down, Who knows?

MM is asking a lot of me. But really - its what I should be doing anyways...so what makes it different? I think it's the fact of it being on paper. Being accountable for it - 100% of the time. And just doing it.

I've chosen two new people to be accountable to in addition to MM, one is smooth, and the other becks. I haven't heard back from becks...but I am sure she's in. I know she can help, being the first trainer I ever had...if she got me started, she can keep me going. And smooth, he's been sooo supportive and encouraging - and I need that.

I know this is what I need to get over the hump. It's almost been 6 months since I have started this...I've come a LONG way - but have so much further to go.

I am going to do my picture a day for the length of my new contract again...I think it will help to really record what's happening. I think I will have more emotion on this one. And many more struggles. The end result...will be ROCKIN!

MM's excited, I'm nervous. BUT I trust him...can I trust myself?

Smooth just came over and talked to me....I feel a bit better. And he's right...I have to let go of the "SAFE" Me.

So here's to that.

Here's to taking the NEXT STEP!

And here's to what I want the most to do

ACHIEVE!

peace out

1 comment:

Humpfree said...

Good Luck Dfly remember your mug will always give you a BIG HUG :}